I flunked Jenny Craig

I’m not particularly proud of this, but also who cares, I do what I want. I got upset about my general appearance somewhat recently and decided I needed to lose weight. Also I discovered none of my clothes fit when I had to go back to actual work. I didn’t want to lose weight the hard way because fuck that, easy way, hard way, it doesn’t work long term, so I informed Tim that I was going to do Jenny Craig and lose 100000 pounds in one week. Or whatever they promise. I told him it would be $180 and to put it in our budget. He said, “Per month?” And I said, “Per WEEK.” And he died and my grief caused me to lose weight really fast.

Anyway, that’s not true but yeah, it’s VERY expensive. But I lost my mind and did it anyway. I don’t know how many of you have lost weight on Jenny Craig (and gained it all back I assume, because it is totally unsustainable) but here’s how it works: you go in and meet with a “counselor” and they tell you all this stuff about how it works and it’s pretty straightforward except they expect you to drink a gallon of water a day which is bullshit. I’ll drink water when I’m thirsty. You can eat all you want of “free” foods which makes NO sense because a banana is a “free” food and they most certainly have calories and if you eat 4 bananas in a day, that’s going to matter. There’s some other bullshit too, but all in all they were pretty accurate about how to eat to lose weight and there’s no magic about it, you starve and that works.

They give you all this food for the week and it is awful and terrible and tiny but you could get by with it, I guess.They give you a dessert now and then and I would cut up tomatoes and such to add some flavor to the meals. I flat out ignored their recommendation of no added salt. Fuck that. I also ignored their recommendation of 30 minutes of exercise daily because fuck that. So I mean, sure. I didn’t follow the rules completely, but still. I was eating nothing. I should lose weight.

They weighed me at the start. Then when I went in a week later I had lost 1 pound. ONE. The counselor lady was all. Hm. This never happens. I ventured, “Maybe it’s because the first time I was wearing a tank, shorts and flip flops and today I’m wearing jeans, shoes, and a sweater” (Kansas weather).

“Yes! I’m sure that’s it!”

Well fucking DUH, does Marie Osmond weigh herself naked in the special Jenny Craig suite she has in her Utah mansion? Probably. Marie is a rebel.

“I tell you what,” said I. “I’ll weigh myself at home before I come and I can sync my scale with the app?”

So that’s what we did and week two? I gained 2 pounds.

That’s the story of how I flunked Jenny Craig. I was like, well this is $360 I’m never getting back (it ended up being $540 because I had to cancel a week in advance). I did actually lose some weight the third week but I still quit and decided to get bigger boobs instead. And they are magnificent and make my belly look smaller because they stick out more. And they literally cost only a little bit more than Jenny Craig because they were covered by insurance (I HAD CANCER).

In seriousness, it’s hard getting old. I’m almost 60 and I am not thrilled about how I look, but this is what I look like. I refuse to have anything done to my face, not even Botox because that stuff scares me and lord I have had enough surgeries in my life that, other than the boobs, which were actually ready to switch out because they’d flattened over the last 11 years (I had cancer ELEVEN years ago! I think I’m going to live!) I don’t want to have surgery if I can help it.

I still dye my hair. I’ve had gray hair once (I HAD CHEMO) and it didn’t suit me. Mainly because I didn’t want it to suit me. I do what I want.

Is there anything you want an update on? Let me know; I probably have things to say, considering I just wrote five entries in one day at work. Told you I didn’t have shit to do here