Glasses

My glasses are a SHANDA. Right before COVID I ran into my mom’s sliding glass door and broke them and had to go have them fixed because we were leaving for a cruise in two days. They gave me a new pair of frames at that time and just popped the existing lenses into them. Really good service, I must say. Then during COVID they got worse and worse. The hinges started giving out and they were crooked, like the left side was way down and the right side was way up and I looked like a mad scientist. So I went back to the store to have them adjusted. We were under heavy PPE and we had to sign in and everything and the glasses were so fucked, they gave me a new pair of frames again. These were the same frames every time, mind you. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and thinking the outcome will be different, right? So after a while they went back to mad scientist levels, and I went in AGAIN and had them adjusted and that adjustment lasted like a month and I finally gave up and decided to get new glasses. I made a HUGE mistake and went into the place (VisionWorks, if anyone cares) alone. Now I don’t know what looks good on me, at all. (This actually applies to clothing too, but I digress.) The shitty defective glasses I’ve worn for years were picked out by my husband and daughter after I tried on several pairs I liked which elicited gasps of disgust and statements like, “Take those off and NEVER put something like that on your face ever again.”

I also apparently have a child-sized head, and have to get “petite” frames which cuts down my choices considerably. Anyway, all glasses are cat eye glasses now, which I hate on me, and I had also decided a metal pair with those nose things might hold up a bit better, so I picked out some fucking mildly cat-eye, metal frames. And forgot about it.

I got a call they were ready about 2 weeks ago, so I drove out to the mall with Holly and she was in her knee brace with crutches so she said she would wait in the car. I went in and they handed me the glasses with a flourish and I put them on and looked in a mirror and said, “Oh. I hate them.” The staff looked rather stunned and were like…what?? They looked terrible! They made me look like a 1960s schoolteacher and they emphasized how fucked up my brows are (one is a good 1/2 inch lower than the other because I have an eye that is sagging in my old age).

“But Jane,” you may ask. “Didn’t you try these on before you ordered them?” Yes. Yes I did. And that day, I thought they were fine. I don’t know! Anyway, I was like, well fuck it, these cost $600 or something so I’m keeping them and I’ll just have to accept it.

I went back to the car and said, “Daughter, I hate these glasses.”

She said the thing about didn’t you try them on and I’m like YES I TRIED THEM ON BUT I HATE THEM NOW.

Of course, she asked me to put them on and I did and she said the dreaded, “Hm.” And then the clincher: “They’re not that bad.”

Well, that was it. I said, “I’m going back in. I paid a bunch of money for these and I’m not about spending a bunch of money on things I hate (you know, excluding dental work and colonoscopies and such).

And I pleaded with Holly to come in with me. “I need your help! I’ll pick out something else horrible. PLEASE!” She did not want to come in.

“Mom, I’m on crutches! I can’t walk around a mall! I can’t go down an escalator!”

“I’ll move the car to the lower level!”

“I get tired! It’s too far!”

“I’ll find a wheelchair!”

“Mom, I don’t want to go!”

“I’ll give you $50.”

Needless to say, Holly accompanied me to the VisionWorks. I told the person who had helped me that I hated the glasses and it wasn’t anybody’s fault but my own, but these glasses would ruin my life. I offered to just buy a new pair at full price. That was a Hail Mary, because I probably wasn’t going to do that. After all, I already paid what I consider to be quite a lot of money on these hideous glasses. I don’t know what happened to our vision insurance, they didn’t used to cost that much. I do have progressives so that jacks up the price but..it seems to me that I usually paid in the neighborhood of $300? Who knows, but anyway. THANK GOD, a person is allowed one pair of change-of-mind glasses. They said to keep the hideous ones and return them when the new ones were ready. They are sitting my kitchen counter and I haven’t opened the case since.

Holly wanted me to buy the EXACT same glasses I have, by the way. I’m like…the whole reason I’m replacing them is that the frame sucks! What the hell! She did find me a pair of the metal ones with the nose pads that were slightly less cat eye and I have to keep these. She used her $50 to buy ridiculously expensive make up at Sephora, to which she was not too tired to crutch.

I’ll put up a picture once I get them. You may not comment, “Hm.” Or “They’re not that bad.”

12 comments

  1. Try ordering glass online at Zenni or eye buy direct. I wear progressives and pay about $60 a pair. Large selection and you can get multiple pairs that hopefully you won’t hate.

  2. Wait wait wait. I didn’t see any emails about new posts and now I’ve missed them, haven’t commented and need to catch up. DAMMIT.

  3. Ugh. Glasses. I had LASIK years ago (10? 12?) and led a happy cheery well-sighted life until about last year. I have been fighting the fact that I can’t easily see to read or do crosswords and if I attempt to do so for any length of time, then I can’t see distance. Because my LASIK was done with one eye for close and one for far (I think? who knows) I couldn’t just go buy a pair of “magnifiers” from the drug store. At least that’s why my eye doctor told me. She prescribed reading glasses but then I keeled over dead at the price and decided that squinting and stretching my arm out was “cute.” I was wrong. So I ordered glasses from online places at much MUCH lower prices. The glasses suffice, but I am constantly wondering where I put them. I think I need to buy one of those old lady chain things that keep your glasses handy, bouncing around on your old lady Boobs of Doom (TM Jane).

  4. On eyeglass frame purchasing day, I wear my contact lenses and get to the office way early. I pick out a half dozen frames in styles I can live with and, more importantly, at prices I can afford and then take a vote from everyone there, employees and patients. It works for me!

  5. I used to ask the tech or somebody to pick out some frames for me. I figured they watched people pick out the wrong frames all day long and probably had a good idea what would work. I got LASIK about 10 years ago too and have one pair of glasses for driving. That’s it. Best thing ever because I couldn’t see my hand in front of my face before.

  6. As someone who has worn glasses her whole life, I’ve learned a few things about buying them. If it’s OK to offer advice, I’m happy to share what’s worked for me.

  7. Hi! I just want to say I’m so glad you’re blogging again. I found you maybe 18 years ago one night when I was at the office late b/c of overseas calls and read for years, and now I am actually living in KC as of last summer (my husband is military…we are fb friends…you can prob find me :)). And now, I get to read posts while I eat lunch from my home office. Anyway, I (like other comment-leavers) had to get glasses again last year after Lasik started wearing off. I really like the prices and photo try-on options for the online stores. I’ve used Zenni and Eye Buy Direct or something. You have to get the Dr. to give you your pupillary Distance measurement (which may be on your RX if you bought glasses), or you can measure yourself. But, I can buy glasses for under $30 for progressive lenses. And I can throw them in my purse and be my careless self without as much worry. I also tried prescription sunglasses for the first time b/c they were so cheap, and I love them. Anyway, thanks for writing. I’m sure you look great in your glasses, and I loved the part of this part about Holly managing to crutch to Sephora. I have a teenage daughter, and I relate.

  8. Commenting in hopes you will blog more. I will have to get glasses soon, and every time my kids get glasses I go and try frames on, and I’ve found that kid frames fit my face the best. Maybe try those next time? Plus they come in much better colors.

  9. If you have The Costco, try them for glasses. I have coke-bottle progressives and get all the bells-and-whistles – it’s never more than $200.

  10. Yet another commenter trying to peer pressure you into blogging more. Which, if you’re anything like me, means that you will actually NOT blog because The Pressure.
    Ah well, I tried.

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