My hands smell like Tostitos

I mean, they do. I take my lunch to work when I go in person, and I was so unmotivated that I just took the end of a Tostitos bag with the chip clip and everything. There were about five intact chips and the rest were the ones you could eat with a spoon and my hands are spoons apparently. I need to wash my hands, I guess.

I also took other food, btw. An apple, a yogurt and a hunk of a pre made sandwich from Walmart. We have lots of quite fine food here at work, but I can’t eat that shit everyday. We’re a children’s hospital so there are no drinks with sugar sold in the whole place, including the coffee shop, but they serve BLTs with avocado spread and mayo and seventeen slices of bacon and then try to claim they only have 400 calories. Okay. I hope all our other stats are not calibrated so incorrectly.

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it but OH MY BACK. I love doing my Pilates but I have started to realize it’s hurting my back and I’m like, hm maybe I should look into that. Thing is, I looked into it a while ago and they sent me to PT and put me on daily meloxicam and everything seemed ok. Then I started Pilates and I was like hm. My back hurts again. And I still have this weird pain on the back of my leg. Then yesterday for some reason I got a notification that something had been added to my chart in my family doc’s portal, so I looked and it was the notes from an X-ray I had literally two years ago on my back and it said I had “volume loss” and “minimal fracture of the L4 plate” which I don’t know what that means, but the thing that stood out (other than FRACTURE, FTLOG) was there was a note that said “MRI would be recommended for further examination.” OH REALLY.

See I got hassled so bad by my insurance company about getting an MRI that I literally gave up. I had to have PT first. ✅ I had to have maintenance anti-inflammatory medication. ✅ Then my doctor’s office fucked up or something and I got a letter from Cigna saying “we have denied your MRI due to (not doing what those check marks say I did).” So I just gave up because fuck that shit. And I felt better. But now I don’t and so I’m going to have to manage this shit and makes phone calls and hassle people JUST TO GET MY FUCKING BACK LOOKED AT.

I know back problems are very common and I know insurance companies would rather waste time on ineffective treatments that save money (epidural shots are bullshit, it’s science, look it up). But give me a break. I can literally pay for an MRI in cash and bypass insurance entirely and I may do it if Cigna gives me any more shit. (It’s not as expensive as you think and the self pay price is sooooo much less than the insurance “price.”) Anyway. Medical shit is so annoying. I just don’t want to let things go. I don’t want to end up like my dad.

So I’ve been extra depressed over the last few months and I’m really tired of it but can’t seem to shake it. Exercise helps, but…see above re: OH MY BACK. I talked to my therapist about it a couple of days ago, and she is always very blunt with me which I appreciate. I have a lot of angst about my age. It’s not about vanity (well, maybe a little, okay a lot) but it’s about how my husband is so much younger than I and likes to say things like, “In a few years, we’ll…” and I’m like “In a few years I’ll be 70 so let’s figure that in, shall we?” My therapist was all, “Look. You’ll be 70 in ten years anyway so start doing the things you want to do. What do you want to do?” And of course I had no answer to that because with the combo of depression and ADHD, questions like that are paralyzing. I don’t know what I want to do! My brain is like the tangled up dirt over Pigpen’s head!

But later I thought about it, and I decided to go to Nebraska. My dad, who was a birder, had always talked about whooping cranes and how he’d like to see one. He never did anything about it. When I looked into it, it turns out that whooping cranes are almost impossible to spot because there are like 800 left in the whole wide world (god people are The Worst). However! Sandhill Cranes are more common and apparently they take a breather on their southern migration every year in the same spot and there are a zillion of them and it’s supposed to be cool. So I booked a hotel in bumfuck Nebraska and signed up for a tour and viewing and now we’re driving to Hastings, Nebraska in a couple of weeks to look at some damn birds. This migration must be a big deal, because I booked a Fairfield Inn and it was TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY AMERICAN DOLLARS. I mean…Jesus Christ. I chose a hotel instead of our camping trailer because 1. Most campsites have their water turned off because it’s still officially winter and yes, one can camp by filling water tanks and using an external bathroom but I don’t roll like that. And 2. This is really in the middle of nowhere and I’m going to need WiFi so I can get the NCAA tournament. I mean, KU is going to go out in the first round because they cannot play basketball, despite their blue chip ranking and their coach needs to pull his head out of his ass and figure out a rotation that’s not dead ass stupid, where was I? Oh yeah. I still like to watch other games.

I’ll spend some time thinking about other crap I want to do. I want to go to Iceland, but the famously cheap flights are not cheap anymore, but then again I have money, but then again I’d rather go in winter because I want to see the aurora borealis, but then again I don’t know.

I want a bigger boat. I want to move to Lawrence, KS. I want a job that I enjoy. Do you know what it’s like to have worked for 37 years at jobs you haven’t enjoyed? The best I can muster is I had some I was sort of semi-lukewarm about. The one I have isn’t it. It’s not bad, but it is boring and unnecessary.

Housekeeping item: do you want me to email when I decide to post something? I don’t know how to set up one of those automatic lists, but I was thinking I could just set up a google contact group and do it that way. Let me know – I’m happy to do it.

Okay bye


  1. I would love an email when you post but not if it’s a hassle.

    The x-ray sounds like you may have a bone density issue. Have you been tested for that? Insurance covers it when you reach a certain (relatively young) age. If that’s a problem, best know sooner rather than later.

    In regards to back pain after pilates, you may be moving wrong or at a weight pulley too high. Mention it to the instructor and have her keep an eye on you. Pilates is one of the best exercises to build up core strength but not if you hurt yourself doing it.

    Signed, woman with shitty bone density, osteoarthritis, and osteoporosis, causing herniated disks and scoliosis who has a physical therapy appointment in 30 minutes.

  2. I love yoga but can’t do anything beyond the basic stretches without screwing up my neck. It’s a physical thing – 2 congenitally fused vertebrae that make my neck stiff. So now I’m trying the rowing machine at the gym because I can’t seem to do weight machines (wimpy and with correct form) without straining something anymore. Hope the sandhill cranes are awesome!

  3. Hastings, NE isn’t that bad! And the sandhill cranes are cool and yes, a big deal there. I mean, what else is there to look at when it’s not football season in NE.

    Have you been to the Sweet 16 or any games in March Madness? I love the NCAA tournament. That might be fun even if KU isn’t playing, so consider adding that to your list for future fun things.

  4. I’ve been to Iceland (twice, both times in the summer) and can highly recommend. It’s like another planet, sort of in the same way Hawaii is.

    I’d sign up for email notifications.

  5. “What do you want to do?” Why is that such an annoyingly profound and hard question to answer?! I would also like to go to Iceland.

    I’d definitely sign up for email notifications.

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