Holly’s cheerleading competition was apparently a cheerleading exhibition which is wayyy better because we didn’t have to hang around all day for awards. I had not seen their routine before Sunday because I am one of those mothers who idles in the parking lot playing solitaire on my phone, but after seeing the exhibition, I have come to the following conclusion: cheerleading is dangerous! Jesus H! Holly was like 15 feet in the air half [...]
Archive for the ‘Kids’ Category
FOOT
Tuesday, February 21st, 2012Short
Friday, February 17th, 2012I’m leaving early today so I can get home and put on Holly’s whorish make up for her cheerleading competition dress rehearsal, which is at 4:30. Way to respect the working mother, KC Cheer. Oh, I also have to put her hair in big round sausage curls using this bizarre curling iron that is all barrel and no clamp. And of course there’s a bow. I don’t even want to talk about the bow. What [...]
Letter to PJ
Wednesday, February 15th, 2012The 5th grade Valentine’s skating party was deemed “okay” by Holly. A kid fell and broke his ankle, so that was a buzzkill, apparently. She won the limbo and during the “Friends Skate” (IN MY DAY, it was called the “Couples Skate”) she paired up with her friend Jillian but then got irritated because she was going too slow and threw her over for her friend Abby, who can skate like crazy. My daughter is [...]
VD
Tuesday, February 14th, 2012Yesterday, when I was throwing opinions around about various media things, I forgot to talk about how I watched Bridesmaids and was underwhelmed. Well, wait. I liked the movie. It was very funny and I appreciated how Kristen Wiig dialed it back a notch and I agree with everyone everywhere about Melissa McCarthy, but as far as being a TRAILBLAZING WOMEN-EMPOWERING EVENT, nah. It was just a Judd Apatow movie with women. I like Judd [...]
Invention
Friday, February 10th, 2012No letters from sad Plain Janes today. I wonder if there was something in a particular episode that spurred L/Iulia, Laura, Hanen and Kenza to write. But rest assured if I get more letters I will advise my ass off. I love giving advice because I’m always right. It’s hard to be me. Holly called me right after school last Friday and announced that her craft project Invention had been chosen for the District Science [...]
Too bad
Wednesday, January 25th, 2012Listen, I know all you people treat your bowels like indigo children and vigorously protest having any sort of control over them lest you damage them in some way and advocate taking a poo wherever and whenever the urge strikes, be it Walmart or my house or the tiny restroom next to my table at the local Mexican restaurant, but can we all agree that breaking wind in an elevator is never okay? It’s just [...]
Tanning my cheeks
Friday, January 20th, 2012You know what bugs me? Articles in the news media about how expensive coffee is and how much money consumers spend on coffee and always using a daily Starbucks run as something one could cut out to save money and comparing the price of various things to your daily cup of fancy coffee. Go fuck yourselves! COFFEE IS LIFE! By the way, if your budget is so precarious that $3.50 a day is going to [...]
In theory
Tuesday, January 17th, 2012Today I seriously have jack shit to say and I’m only writing this so you guys will have something to read for 1.35 minutes. Paco keeps track of stats like that. He’s totally nuts. Since I opened to robots, Google provides him with tons of data about the tens of people who read here and he’s always yelling about, “Do you know you have readers in most of the world? Did you know that most [...]
Have a Barbie!
Monday, January 16th, 2012Man, why do I have so many readers with Crohn’s and IBS?? I don’t even talk about bowels that much? Is it just coincidence? Or do y’all just speak up when I complain about bathrooms? So, okay, I don’t begrudge you guys using the bathroom when it’s either that or shitting on the floor. But I still reserve the right to get fussy about it. I have issues. I went to a Jewish psychiatrist for [...]
eyeroll
Wednesday, January 11th, 2012Holly’s spelling bee word? MATRIMONY. What in the holy hell? I have to believe that the teacher didn’t actually say, “They have matrimony in Las Vegas,” because if so? I need to put Holly in private school. But honestly, even if Holly got the sentence wrong, how would you make up a sentence for kids integrating “Las Vegas” and “matrimony?” There is lots of matrimony in Las Vegas? Matrimony. Las Vegas haz it? What happens [...]
PSA
Tuesday, January 10th, 2012Since I like to confuse you people, here’s what I think of Tebow: the kid’s all right. There is a certain type of religious person I kind of like – the ones who are super faithful and all into it, but don’t waste their time using their religion to hate, condescend or convert. Tebow seems like that sort of guy. He’s just filled with love and kisses for Jesus and is really happy about it, [...]
Sparkle
Tuesday, January 3rd, 2012Lessseee, the deal with Elliot. Lots of comment questions. (I LOVE comment questions because I don’t have to think up things to write). My dear Miz S asks: Look, does Elliot have a, you know, CONDITION or something? Executive function disorder or some shit? OH HONEY. You don’t even know how many times I’ve wondered that. But even if he does, the only thing he could do to mitigate it at this point is use [...]
BABIES EVERYWHERE
Saturday, December 31st, 2011I am at in-laws house for New Year’s and there are babies EVERYWHERE!!!! There are two under two and one is is barely three and one in a belly (okay uterus, whatever, WARNING: THIS BLOG IS NOT ANATOMICALLY CORRECT). I read a lot of mommyblogs and there seems to be a pervasive air of doom and gloom amongst the mothers of The Small. God knows I felt like the world was coming to an end [...]
Snowman
Friday, December 23rd, 2011Christmas 2004: I was in month 11 of being a stay-at-home mom in Lawrence and I wanted one of those big inflatable snowmen that people put in their yards. Since we only had one income, our budget was such that I didn’t feel like I could buy one at full price. So the day after Christmas I started stalking one at the local grocery store. I don’t know what the price tipping point was, but [...]
Rubbing it in
Wednesday, December 14th, 2011I’m all done with my Christmas shopping, except for my children, because I have the usual Holiday Gift-Giving Angst. Both kids want iPhones, but goddamn, those things are expensive. And the fact that I am considering buying a 10-year-old an iPhone makes me hate myself. The iPhones aren’t available to Sprint employees until January 9, which is fine for Holly (though I always have hysterics when we give her something she can’t OPEN AND USE [...]
Where wolf?
Tuesday, December 6th, 2011Man, they are not kidding when they say girls mature faster than boys because I am trying to remember when Elliot stopped being a sweet little boy and became a sullen, emotionally disturbed nutcase and I’m pretty sure he was older than 10. Maybe I’m wrong. I’ve probably blocked it out. Yesterday I got a call from the school nurse saying Holly had a headache and then threw up and would someone please come get [...]
Backwards
Monday, December 5th, 2011I took Holly and her friend Abby to the outdoor skating rink yesterday and they ran into a group of girls who go to a different school but who cheered with them this fall. I watched as they shrieked and skated holding hands and gathered in the middle of the rink in a big group and talked over each other. As I sat on the sidelines freezing and reading my book and wondering why on [...]
Who CARES
Thursday, December 1st, 2011My husband is such a keeper. He will chat with me about Kardashians all the live long day (we’re on Kris Humphries’ side). We do disagree over Scott Disick. I think Scott’s all right; Tim thinks he’s a douche. Douche he may be, but he seems like a good father, except, you know, for letting his son’s mother whore him out for money. And for all of you people who are sniffing and going, “Who [...]
Oh realllllly
Wednesday, November 23rd, 2011So…you’re all saying I’m overreacting? Oh reallllllly. I never do that. Also, the argument, “So don’t create the situation and it won’t be a problem!” reminds me of a famous conflict I had with Mr. Friendly way back in the day. I was getting ready for work in the morning and in a mood. I was dragging on pantyhose and they were twisting and I’d accidentally bought control top which meant I was going to [...]
The Test
Tuesday, November 22nd, 2011One of the things I fear is that Holly will inherit my emotional instability. As you all well know, I am quick to cry, easy to anger, and can go zero to 60 down a slippery slide from “Oh no!” to “Life is not worth living” in about five seconds. Of late, I am much better. My ovaries have stopped working and all estrogen in my body is shut off and while that causes some [...]
So What
Thursday, November 17th, 2011Holly’s musical was fun last night. For me. Tim hates these things. As a shy person, he pointed out, “Last night was the worst night of the year for at least two kids on that stage.” No two in particular, of course, he was speaking in generalities and representing for the introverts. He doesn’t get the performance thing at all. Last night I ran out right before we left to grab a flower to give [...]
Straights
Wednesday, November 16th, 2011Just so you KNOW, I am not doing Nablopomo, I was just using the prompts. So it is perfectly FINE that I didn’t update for a few days. Fine with me, that is. The prompts…eh. They just don’t work for me. I guess that’s why I don’t fit into the whole Blogger persona. Wednesday, November 16, 2011 What is the moment that you leave childhood and enter adulthood? I don’t know, when you get over [...]
HEYDAY
Friday, November 11th, 2011I had to rearrange Holly’s activities to accommodate her participation in a competitive cheerleading squad. In order to go to that practice she had to move her Jazz class. I would have just canceled her dance class, except our Dave-Ramsey-Having asses paid for the whole year up front so we could save 15% and they don’t give refunds. So I had to find another class she could take and the only available Jazz class was [...]
JITB
Monday, October 31st, 2011Oh hellllllo Halloween. I still hate you. Tim made Holly a Jack in the Box costume this year. Kudos to TC who guessed what JITB stood for but couldn’t figure out what Xs had to do with it. The deal with the Xs is that the costume looked too much like a big birthday gift and not enough like a JITB, so Holly though putting silver-plated duct tape on one side would make it look [...]
KEEP THE CHEESE
Friday, October 28th, 2011HAHAHAHAHA! My kid is a weirdo! Tim is working at home today since Holly is out of school. Just for reference, when my husband talks about “meetings” he means “conference calls.” I know. It makes no sense to me, but then again, it is a telephone company, so at least they use their own product. I also do not know what JITB means. I really think Holly would make a fine lawyer. She [...]
Don’t start with me!
Thursday, October 27th, 2011FINE. GOD. Reasons for starting up again: My former boss, Steve Jones CEO. He thinks I hid the blog from him specifically. I may change his pseudonym to Steve Jones, EGO. Elliot. You all are killing me asking about him in college. You care. In a “You’re a stranger but I still think about you” creepy sort of way. Beth. She really needs me to help her navigate having an overly smart, fussypants little girl(s). [...]
Category: SUCKER
Tuesday, October 4th, 2011I started categorizing my entries. Tim pointed out that had I categorized my archives I could have easily passworded everything marked “work” and this whole clusterfuck would have been easily remedied without losing my breast cancer entries and stuff like that. So far all my entries are tagged “cancer” and “kids.” Yeahh. Why are y’all so anxious for me to blog again? I have no idea what I’ve talked about lately. I can’t look at my [...]
I entried
Friday, September 9th, 2011It might be tough writing in here when I know there are people reading whom I know in real life. My own mother categorized my “Starting Over” entry as sounding “reserved,” but I think she was just amazed at the general lack of profanity. I just looked back on that entry and I didn’t use one cuss word, except “Jesus” which I don’t consider a cuss word, but a lot of people do, especially hypocrites [...]
Starting Over
Saturday, September 3rd, 2011I got so many nice messages in the past week that I feel kind of like a jerk for starting over. This blogging business – it messes with your head. But that’s obvious, right? Every blogger I know is nuts. You guys, Elliot. OMG. He totally never calls me and when I talk to him he’s all adult and shit and quite obviously wants to get off the phone. If I didn’t have Holly to focus [...]
