I forgot
February 29th, 2012So Leeloo wants advice and she cannily put the question on her blog so go over there and read it. I will also give you the short and sweet version:
Leeloo wants to know how to say no.
Oh, okay – a few more details. Leeloo met a woman while in the hospital having a baby and exchanged numbers with this TOTAL STRANGER because they lived near each other and had babies on the same day. Turns out the total stranger is a weirdo leech who calls all the time, wants Leeloo to buy her lunch and drive her places and is just generally someone Leeloo doesn’t want to be around.
But Leeloo feels awkward. The weirdo is kinda sad and lonely. Leeloo is a nice person.
Except Leeloo is not really a nice person in this case (I mean…you might be a nice person, I’m just saying you aren’t a saint in this situation. You want rid of this nutbag). Leeloo is a passive person who knows exactly how she wants this to play out but is too afraid to take care of business.
First of all, what the fuck are you doing giving your phone number out to total strangers? Quit doing that! If you think you might want to stay in touch with someone you meet, give an email address and see how that goes. If they seem okay after a while, exchange phone numbers. I’ll bet you a dollar if you had given The Weirdo an email address you would have figured out very quickly she wanted more out of the acquaintanceship than you did.
But that’s water under the bridge, eh? How do you shake loose from this bad decision?
Next text you get from Weirdo, respond, “No, I can’t do that,” or “Can’t talk right now,” and don’t make excuses and don’t say you’re sorry. Each and every text you get after that say the same thing. Ignoring the texts just makes you fall apart from guilt when you run into her and then you do more things you don’t want to do. If you run into her, be friendly, but refuse all offers of activities together. DO IT. Don’t come crying to me if you don’t.
People, kids, animals, bugs, amoebas (okay, maybe not amoebas) all continue behaviors because they get reinforcement for doing it. You reinforced Weirdo’s behavior and what’s more, you gave it the most powerful reinforcement that exists – the dreaded INTERMITTENT reinforcement. She kept trying and lo and behold, it worked. Texting and texting and texting finally led to you driving her all over town and buying her a Big Mac. So now she’s got the idea that if she just keeps harassing you, you’ll eventually come through.
I know assertiveness is hard. No one wants to make people feel bad and no matter what you do, you’re going to make someone feel bad in your life. I recently asked someone to do something with me socially and they firmly but very nicely said, “No, I don’t want to do that,” and I felt bad for a couple of days. But I got over it. I did kind of want to call up Elliot and say, “Hey, remember when you were a kid and you told me I should ask more people to do things and I said I was afraid they’d say no and you got all zen and said, ‘Why would they say no?’ and I thought ‘Damn, I wish I had half that kid’s confidence?’ Well, fuck you and your confidence, Friendly Jr.”
I say no all the time, especially since I had The Cancer and decided life is too short to do shit I don’t wanna do and I actually like it. I feel strong and in charge of my own destiny. And it’s not my job to be in charge of anyone else’s.
I had a bad day yesterday. (Advice part over. Just FYI) I am becoming concerned about the state of my brain. I am so forgetful. I’m not going to go full hypochondriac and say I think I have early-onset Alzheimer’s or anything, but I am reallllly flaky lately. I went to the grocery store Sunday with our shopping list and menu and despite writing it down, I forgot to get ground beef for tacos. I bought everything else for tacos. You’d think I’d pick up taco shells and then I would be like, “Oh. I need the stuff to fill them.” Nope. Last night when making said taco dinner (with ground beef Paco had to pick up from Trader Joe’s which caused him to cry at the price), I upended a can of refried beans and used a butter knife to squash it into the microwave bowl. Five minutes later I looked over at the knife laying on the counter and fussed to Paco, “Is that a cat food knife on the counter? Gross!” and he goes, “Uh…you just used it to smash up the beans??” I took my pills last night and then 10 minutes later I walked over to take my pills and saw that the “Tuesday” pill holder was empty and was completely SHOCKED.
“When did I take these??”
I looked around the internet for side effects of all the medicines I take and shit, man. A bunch of them cause forgetfulness. Tamoxifen, Lexapro, Zocor. Then there’s the fact that I had chemo. And all the general anesthesia in 2010/2011. Oh and menopause causes mad forgetfulness. I’m doomed.
I wish I could forget I have to run tonight, but for some reason I keep remembering that.
Are you super busy at work lately? And maybe subconsciously preoccupied with Elliot and his academic future? I posit these suggestions, because on top of brain-erasing chemicals which you had no choice but to take (and ergo, bear their shitty long term side effects), I find that, at least for me, stress turns me into an ineffective moron. I do things like look at my keys before leaving the house and think “Oh, need those,” and promptly lock myself out. I get up to do something and find myself staring vacantly into the middle distance like “Huh?” before sitting back down again, all befuddled. I leave cooker burners on even though I have thus THING about making sure all hot, burny shit is turned off before exiting the kitchen (WON’T SOMEONE PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?!).
Your advice is excellent. I literally laughed out loud at driving her all over town and buying her Big Macs. What the fuck am I doing indeed. It was a total amateur mistake to give this woman my phone number; I blame the haze of new baby/major surgery. But you’re right, I’m passive as HELL, aaaaand I conditioned her now crazy-making response. Head, hang yourself in shame.
You know why she even wanted to borrow money? Not for nappies or food or necessities of life. She wants a fucking iPad! Well guess what, asshole? So do I, as I sit here pecking pathetically at my iPhone because the kids launched a Nerf offensive at my laptop, rendering it useless.
&@#%!!
Well, crap, Leeloo. You’ve really got one batshit crazy leech stuck on, haven’t you? Money for an iPad? WTELF? Forget being nice, tell that greedy cow to GTFO! And do it without delay.
Nothing good ever comes from fast friendships. People who jump headfirst into friendships are either total losers or total users. Take your time and you’ll meet the nice ones.
BTW, my advice is strong because I’m so pissed off at the utter gall of this woman. You were just taken off guard, Leeloo, and I wish I could go kick this woman in the shins for you ’cause I’d totally do it. But I’m a bitch that way.
Devil, nice one. You’re totally right; so is Jane. I need to extricate myself from this BS! Two texts today:
Oh lm sorry luv I wanted to ask for a favour don’t know whether this is the right time xxx
…which I didn’t reply to because REALLY?! After yesterday? No words. Then, about an hour ago:
Hi a u home tmrow ?x
So I said:
Sorry, can’t do tomorrow. Take care!
-
The exclamation point was a little jauntier than I wanted but baby steps. Look at me, enacting Jane’s sensible advice!
Totally spamming up Jane’s comments, but Jane, what about taking gingko biloba supplements? I don’t know if supplements are snake oil or not, but it’s meant to improve memory and concentration.
Ha! Leeloo had to know what you’d say to her had she read the entry about the coworker who wanted to join you for lunch! Leeloo is very passive and needs to not let people use her. I’ve dumped women that I’ve known almost my entire life for being lesser nuisances than this person was to Leeloo. I suspect Leeloo is one for the dramatic in her life? I don’t know. I don’t know Leeloo. I was just very irritated by her entry in regards to this woman she allowed to run her around. God! So annoying! Who allows that shit?
Kathy, lots of people allow that shit, including yourself, before you had The Cancer and got all assertive.
Two things:
1 – People who pester people like Leeloo aren’t likely to interpret the concise expression of personal boundaries as a rejection, because if they had that degree of pro-social capability to begin with then they would have more appropriately inhibited their behavior in the first place.
2 – http://rejectiontherapy.com/rules/
Leeloo, Jane and devil are right give her the boot and fast. Be direct about it. Life is too short to waste your time being used and annoyed. My Aunt who is kind of my mentor told me when you get older you realize how valuable your time is and you edit out the people who don’t work for you in your life. I think she may be right. I have some I keep on the periphery out of curiosity and a sense of shared history and I think it’s the same for them about me too. Oh well we can’t all be crazy about each other. I feel dense, devil, but what is WTLEF? It’s not in the urban dictionary. Wait a sec What the ever loving F**K? OK the brain is much slower but it does eventually kick in unless we are talking math beyond basics and then I am SOL.
I also forget stuff stupidly like a vital item at the grocery or drugstore. I always thought to do list people were way too anal but I can see myself becoming one sooner than I ever thought. Paco getting pissed at the cost of the meat cracks me up. Most married men’s ignorance is bliss in the grocery department and they always have sticker shock over prices.
Also I’ve been without my car for the past two days. I haven’t asked anyone for rides and I’ve eaten leftovers.
Gingko Biloba
~K!
You should really dish out advice as a regular feature on your blog. You’re really really good at it. As for the forgetfulness, I’m hoping someone has some recommendations I am horribly forgetful lately too, but I’ll probably just forget to check back anyway.
Mainquestion – good link. And you’re right, the overbearing, socially inept aren’t likely to take a rebuke personally, or terribly badly. Social intelligence – I think it’s one of those things you either have, or haven’t.
Annette, I’m guess it’s “What the ever-loving f**k”. Can I cuss here? Oh yeah, it’s Jane, of course I can!
hi jane. a few weeks ago my husband came downstairs and said ‘was there a reason you are running water in the upstairs sink?’. wow. usually it’s the stove! i blame stress and being distracted. thank god for home owners insurance
ha.
Great advice. If she feels she needs a crutch use the baby! Babies provide all sorts of excuses for us. My favorite is using ‘I cannot talk, my baby is in the bath’ when the JW’s visit. Works every time (or did till I stopped bothering to answer the door..).
I hear you on the memory loss. I am still trying to remember if I took my meds today.
A couple months ago my 11yo and I drove to a nearby small shopping/vintage neighborhood to stroll around. When we got back to the car about an hour later I searched and searched for my keys and could NOT find them. Then the light bulb went on and I realized I must have left them in the car. We climbed in (I never lock my car door) and not only were the keys in the ignition, the engine was RUNNING!! for over an hour!! I am dang lucky it wasn’t stolen. But the whole incident totally freaked me out. I was sure it was the beginning of Alzheimer’s.
~K!
It wasn’t the cancer that got me saying No to people, Jane. I’ve pretty much been labeled a “bitch” for as long as I can remember. I almost always stand up to people. Pretty much always have. Sometimes there are those who slip through the cracks, but not for very long! Cancer just made me quicker with the draw!
Jane, I hate to be a downer, but my brother has been experiencing some stuff he believes is due to his bouts (2) with brain cancer. Not just “chemo brain.” He felt he wasn’t doing his job properly anymore and was fortunate to be able to take a sabbatical. He’s doing some cognitive therapy as well as working out and getting counseling. He’s taking a very pro-active approach and I am so happy that it seems to be helping. And he doesn’t even have to deal with menopause in the mix. Personally, I’d take him any way I can get him as his survival is a miracle. But he wants more and is making sure it happens.
Love the advice to Leeloo. I’m getting much better at saying “No” as I get older, but sometimes, it’s hard. Damn you socialization! I remember the post Jane wrote about reading a book at lunch and it really hit home with me. I would have probably let that person ruin my lunch before, but not now. Whenever I need some resolve, I think of that entry.
I’m also waxing nostalgic for the days of the Jane, Nance, and Robyn advice column blog!
I agree with Annette’s aunt, the older I get the easier it is to say no. What I have also realized is I can say no, and I don’t have to explain myself. Just a pleasant “no, can’t do it”. Almost felt awkward at first not going into more detail, but I got over that quick. Leeloo is a nice person who tried to help someone out, and we are lucky there are people like that in this world. Leeloo, Jane’s advice is perfect, and you are on your way with your reply to her latest text. Just remember she isn’t your friend, and if you can-I would respond to any text she sent with a simple “no”. I am sure this isn’t her first rodeo, and she will get the point at some time-that you are done helping her out. Good luck!
I noticed that I have become more forgetful post menopause, so I have tried to be more mindful of what I am doing. Instead of multitasking like I used to, I focus more on the task at hand. I will admit to repeating things several times to myself-out loud, like “don’t forget to let the dogs in” before I leave the house.
Jane, you have great readers. I am on board with Annette’s aunt’s advice as well. As I get incrementally older, I realise how quickly time passes. Having kids really brought that home for me – one day I was cradling my newborn son and then BAM. Suddenly he’s seven. Sniff.
The not-explaining is a weak point of mine. I always feel as though I need to justify perfectally acceptable behaviour when really, I don’t. I’m allowed to simply say no. As long as I’m not harsh or otherwise a bitch about things, there’s nothing wrong with polite declination. Maureen is right – I’m sure this won’t be the first time Weirdo has been quick out of the starting gate, only to find herself wondering what poor schmuck she can latch onto next.
I hope the comments about forgetfulness made you feel better. I’m just starting peri-menopause, and I was also a bit concerned about the stupid-ass things I would forget…..until older female relatives and girlfriends told me it’s normal. I’ll do the same as you – take my pills, walk out of the bathroom and wonder if I took my pills. I am the embodiment of the joke about walking into a room and forgetting what you came in there for.
And nouns! I’ll be telling someone something and forget nouns, like “the red……you know, that thing, the round thing that bounces and kids play with it.” And that person looks at me like I have two heads and says “a BALL?” Um……yeah.
So either we ALL have Alzheimers, or it’s menopause and stress (and sleeping poorly), like other commenters said.
I have no comment about LeeLoo’s situation – I am as afraid to hurt other’s feelings as she is and have no assertive genes in my spine, either. You are not alone, LeeLoo.
Your post reminded me that every time I see one of my colleagues in the cafeteria reading a book sitting at the counter that faces the wall, I think of you. I still don’t get how someone wouldn’t understand that you’re not waiting for someone to come and talk to you, and why it would be considered rude to matter of factly tell them if they couldn’t read the signs.