So, I got an email from Jan S who really wants me to answer a weekly advice question “Plain Jane style” and I don’t know.  First of all, what’s “Plain Jane style?” Is that like where I get a little sarcastic and stuff like I have with the MTV people?  Because I actually don’t send those responses to the poor little Dutch girls, because they are asking for help and it would be mean to send rude things back. It’s not their fault that MTV somehow encourages those girls to write in and then provides no way to give advice.  A run-of-the-mill advice column? I feel like that’s already been done (Sarah Bunting does The Vine and I’m sure there are others) plus I feel like OH MY EGO. So I told Jan I would use her question as a writing prompt, because DAMN I got nothing to talk about these days.

 How do I live up to who I truly am?  I try to be a nice person all the time, but there is always a conflict inside me for how to be nice, versus being true to my real nature and being more direct, outspoken, and possibly less ‘politically correct’.  

 I know that my true friends already know who I am and don’t really care.

 Gah! I’m over 50 already. Shouldn’t I be feeling free to be myself by this point in my life?

One of my superpowers (I not-so-humbly admit) is being able to look at someone and tell if they are living their true self.  I have skewered a bunch of people with that shit, Oprah-style  (Mr. Friendly, my friend Deborah, various other folks) Hell, I didn’t live my true self until I was in my mid-30s. That damn Paco has lived his true self since birth.  He’s young yet, though. He may still have a mid-life crisis and decide his true self is Douchebag Jones.

The fact that you said, “I know that my true friends already know who I am and don’t really care, “ indicates to me that you know who you are.  But I think you are confusing being true to your real nature with being assertive.  It sounds like you want to be able to talk about things you believe in without fear of repercussion and say “no” when it’s called for.  Being assertive just takes practice.  The first time you say, “I’d appreciate it if you didn’t use the phrase ‘Jewed him down’ around me,”  your heart is going to pound and you’re going to turn red in the face. But afterwards you’re going to be so proud of yourself (I used that example because I said that once and was so proud of myself). Then the next time you speak up, it won’t be as hard.

I also must not-so-humbly admit that Paco and I had an interesting conversation the other night about those “Five Regrets of the Dying” that are making the rounds on Facebook. In case you haven’t seen it, it’s a !cheery! article written by a hospice nurse.  The five regrets are:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

(source: http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2012/feb/01/top-five-regrets-of-the-dying)

(The tone of your question makes me think you read this article.) But here’s the thing Paco pointed out: people who see death coming are going to have a unique perspective on how they wished they had lived, and I don’t think these things are universal to all people. I mean, sure, we’re all dying, but if you know you’re dying in six weeks?  You are in a mode that very few people can understand.  It will change your judgment.

If you’re going to die in 60 years, you may have very good reason to temper your interactions with people because you will have to deal with them for a loooooooong-ass time.  Part of living in a society is getting along with people. I happen to think it’s okay to put up with some bullshit sometimes. Choose your battles, as it were.

I blathered a lot there, but my advice is – your self is fine; you just need to change your behavior.

Greats,

Jane

Running shit: You would think that after my triumphant beat-down of my running limitations and fear of failure on Sunday, the whole thing would be a snap now. NOT SO MUCH. Couch to 5K takes you back a little on Week 6, Day 1 and has you run 5 minutes, walk 3 minutes, run 8 minutes, walk 3 minutes, run 5 minutes. I was all this is going to be a piece of chocolate cake; what UPPPPP. And then I was plodding along on the “easy” 5 minute run and wanted to slit my throat. I was all, “That 20 minute run? I must have hallucinated that shit.” I had to do mental gymnastics the whole time. I went through a list in my head of all the people I know who can’t run 5 minutes straight (quite rude, I know).  I also actually said to myself, “YOU BEAT CANCER YOU CAN DO THIS,” which I hardly ever do because as you may know I don’t think I was particularly strong or determined with re: cancer.  I just handled it because if I didn’t I’d die which would disappoint a lot of people, I’m told.

I don’t like the stop and start running. It’s easier to get a rhythm going if you know you are going to be miserable for a long period of time. Also, I need to just give it up and start buying sensible shoes. Yesterday I wore wooden clogs with a three-inch platform all day and then wondered why my toes hurt after running.