Too bad
January 25th, 2012Listen, I know all you people treat your bowels like indigo children and vigorously protest having any sort of control over them lest you damage them in some way and advocate taking a poo wherever and whenever the urge strikes, be it Walmart or my house or the tiny restroom next to my table at the local Mexican restaurant, but can we all agree that breaking wind in an elevator is never okay? It’s just basic courtesy. I shouldn’t have to hold my breath for three floors.
It is time for me to vent about Holly’s latest school project insanity. I hope her teachers don’t read this, but if they do, TOO BAD. I am only speaking truth.
I suppose I should be used to this shit by now, after the damn Janet Lynn Debacle of Twenty-Ten, where I had to put my cancer wig on a fucking pumpkin to fulfill a stupid biography assignment that could have easily been met by just writing a goddamn paper, but noooooo effort involving a hot glue gun and construction paper always has to be a part of these learning experiences. I sometimes don’t know if Holly attends school or a scrapbooking convention.
Every year, the fifth graders at Holly’s school are assigned a project called the “Invention.” I can recall seeing these through the years displayed at the Spring Curriculum Fair. The projects were fun to look at, but I also remember the prickles of dread I felt as I realized that at some point, in the FAR OFF FUTURE, Holly would be in fifth grade and would have to do one of these damn things.
This year Holly’s in fifth grade. At the Fall Open House, when the fifth grade teachers made their presentations about what’s going to go on during the school year, the teacher who is responsible for science stood up and explained all the units and then said, “And in the spring we do the Invention. The kids LOVE THIS!! The parents, not so much.” Everyone tittered awkwardly.
Well hell yeah, the kids love it! Because their parents have to do it!
Here’s how it works. The kids have to come up with some ideas for an invention. It has to be mechanical or tactile or whatever – what I’m trying to say is it can’t be software or an app which is fucking B.S. in this day and age. Then get this: the kids have to research their invention ideas through the internet to make sure they haven’t already been invented!! The science teacher apparently runs a patent office now! It’s like the high school student/forgery expert at Old Navy who examines my signature on my debit card! It’s all about confidence! Anyway, everything in the WORLD has already been invented. Trust me. Holly thought up a couple of things that I thought were good, one being a candle that snuffs itself after a certain amount of time (based on a timer that drips water into a weight system okay she didn’t think of it, Paco did) but all the ideas she (he) came up with already exist. But okay, FINE. She kept plugging away and actually came up with something herself and got it approved.
Then they have to do various tasks like doing some drawings and schematics and they document their process and problems and how they solved them etc. They have to design a big display board with facts about their invention and data and I think this is a mighty fine project. Kids should learn to do long projects that require sustained work and data collection and all that. I’m for it.
Where I get pissed off though? The kids actually have to BUILD this invention. Ten year olds! They can’t build shit! Who builds the inventions? THE PARENTS.
Holly’s invention is called Recipe Jumble (now it’s on the internet so some poor kid who thinks it up next year is shit out of luck). It’s like a bingo cage with three compartments, main dish, side dish, vegetable. I think. I might be main dish, side dish, dessert. Hell if I know I’m trying to stay out of it. You write all the dishes you ever eat on little cards, but them in the bingo ball. Then when you are putting together your menu for the week (YES, we do this-you should too, it’s a money-saver), you crank the bingo cage and choose a card from each section and you have dinner ideas!
Oh sure, it has flaws. Like what if you get “Chicken Fried Rice” for your main dish and “Rice” for your side dish, but whatever. My problem is I don’t know how to build a bingo cage with three compartments and I shouldn’t HAVE to! There is value to putting together this project, but there is no value whatsoever to building it. Because if Holly can’t do it herself, then she’s not learning. And the fact that the teacher lauds this project as a grrrreat opportunity for the kids and their parents to work together on something over the weekends just proves she doesn’t have any kids.
I tell you, two minutes after Holly leaves elementary school I am hitting “send” on a veritable treatise of complaints about The Crafts. The scrapbook page in kindergarten- how about you teach the kids presentation skills and have them draw a picture of themselves and tell the class five things about their lives? From the g.d. giant “book” about mammals in first grade to the Diorama in 4th grade – how about a research project about American Indians instead of hot gluing a fucking tortilla into the shape of a teepee? The Pumpkin Head Biography? JUST ASSIGN A PAPER and leave the squash out of it! Everything doesn’t have to be fun! God!
Running shit: Tonight I have to drive to epic cheerleading, so I’m going to try running the track at the gym. Maybe it’ll make my legs hold up better. As far as all the suggestions about supplements, wouldn’t both my calves have cramps if I were potassium deficient? I think the stretching thing may be the key, though didn’t I read somewhere that they did a big study and determined that stretching did help and just walking to warm up had the same effect?
Okay look. I just ran that freakin’ half marathon after spending most of the training in pain from calf issues. Calf pain happens when you run too fast or too long or in the wrong shoes or whatever. If you wear heels a lot, your calf muscles are going to be used to being shortened, and running lengthens them out and then makes them hurt. So alternate heels with lower/flat shoes. And yes, stretch. Do a little warm up walk, then stretch (don’t stretch cold) like they show you here: http://www.runnersworld.com/article/0,7120,s6-241-287–8969-0,00.html And then when you are done, stretch again. And then ice it for 20 minutes.
And if it still hurts, get a compression sleeve for your leg or compression socks or compression tights, just something compressiony. The other thing that totally helped was a foam roller, which will come with instructions on how to use it.
I did all those things and it totally worked! My calves did not hurt for the half marathon (but now I have bursitis in my hip so feh.)
“I sometimes don’t know if Holly attends school or a scrapbooking convention.” is perhaps one of the funniest sentences you’ve ever written.
JANE !! ME too..with the stupid “Invention” science fair..that got assigned over our Christmas vacation !! And in Bryan’s explanatory packet they were bold enough to come right out and TELL us that parents and grandparents would HAVE to do it. WTF? My kid is like Holly, blessed with being aces at the academics and THIS has me so BURNED up I can’t begin to tell you. Why invention ? Why frustration and dependence on parents for a school project ? WHY do I have to spend MONEY on this ? What is my kid learning here?
Last year, his teacher continually sent home..Dear Parent letters detailing how I should “help” my kid by filling out a page of ?’s related to what he was supposed to read. …in actuality the assignments were to ensure that I read to him…which is what I called her out on…Took three letters and a phone call before she copped to the…but some parents don’t read to thier kids…and SCENE. That’s YOUR job, not mine. No state school needs to be sending home assignments to make ME do anything..good cause or no. What I do at home after school is MY business. Dressing it up as ohh..noo…we’re not trying to make you do homework..she gagged when I dryly said..kid gets a lower mark if I don’t fill this out, RIGHT? I like to call that extortion.
This whole Nanny state social worker school thing makes me nuts and I’ve battled it for years NOW…years of it. The school is supposed to teach my kid academics not decide or dictate how his family spends their evenings. I’m writing SUCH a letter after this report card period.
Bryan is also a phenomenal reader..runs in our family and his homeroom teacher keeps trying to tell him the books I want him reading are too long..omg..TOO LONG ? Would you mind NOT putting that into his head ? He’s reading the Perfect Storm this month. Loving it.
The Invention Fair diatribe was mine..heh..little fired up there and hit post too quickly.
Having taught college writing for 12 years I could tell who had to write papers in grade school and who had the learning is fun and crafty! grade school experience. Guess who got better grades (because they produced better papers, not because I’m anti-craft–I own a plethora of fancy scissors for various needlework projects!) and had an easier time writing upper division papers?
Instead of a bingo type cage can’t Holly just make three spinners–kind of like Twister? Or is it too late to change?
In addition to the hated science fair EVERY YEAR K through 8, in 4th grade maybe? the kids had to select one of the Washington monuments and then build a scale model. Oh I WISH I was kidding. What the hell with the elementary schools and their goddamn crafts? Book REPORTS, people. Not a friggin diorama. Ancestor day they had to dress up in clothes from their ancestors’ nation (Um, jeans? hello?) AND bring in a traditional dish to share! In third grade! For the love!
My kids are in their 20s. Can you tell I’m not over this bullshit yet?
AND? It becomes a goddamn competition among certain parents.
A lot of happy runners will tell you they never stretch before a run. Just walk or go really easy for the first 15 minutes.
>>wouldn’t both my calves have cramps if I were potassium deficient
Only if you were blessed with two molecularly identical calves. Mine don’t even look like they belong to the same person.
Year ago when I was gettin’ up before dawn to run every day, I learned an important lesson. If you do serious stretching before you run, you’ll injure yourself. I’d see all these ejits at the 10k runs stretching before the race, gettin’ in these absurd positions with legs going every direction. Then they’d rocket away from the starting line and about 3k down the road they’d be limping along and I’d just smile as I went gliding by them.
Cramp/charley horse – it isn’t a bilateral deal, have no idea why.
Jane, you made me worn out (again) just reading about this invention thingee. Good lord almighty, I would have hated that. Glad my kids are long out of school. I remember them having these crafty things to do but not to this extreme. And yes, it was painfully obvious at the evening show and tell what parents spent their entire week and weekend building/making the project and what ones sorta thought their kid should do it pretty much on their own. Bah.
In California every fourth grader has to build a model of a mission. It’s the state curriculum and has been since most parents of current fourth graders were kids themselves. So … you should see some of the amazing and obviously expensive creations that come in. They’re like museum pieces. I am SO glad my kids are adults now.
Ugh fuck I hate these kinds of things. They should at least offer the choice of a paper or some god forsaken craft project. Doing dioramas never taught me anything other than that I suck at crafts and don’t give a damn.
Buy three Bingo cages. Screw them to a piece of plywood. Spray paint the balls white and use a Sharpie to write the menu item name. Insert balls into respective cages. Voila!
You’re welcome
Or go get 3 hamster exercise balls. Straighten out a wire hanger (NO MORE WIRE HANGERS! Oops. sorry.) Drill out a hole on hamster exercise balls ends/sides/whatever, leaving handy dandy lid free. Shove hanger through. Shuffle the lot back and forth. Extract recipe options. Ta Da!
I remember having the same feelings about “projects” for my kids. Yuck.
Good luck.
I would simply get 3 empty water bottles(with the caps on), then label each one (maindish/sidedish/veggie), and glue them all to a papertowel roll.
Then spin the contraption, and unscrew the cap to the maindish bottle, and turn it upside down to get out a piece of paper with a maindish on it. And do the same for the other two bottles.
I’d probably also spray paint the whole thing to make it look prettier.
we had the first year of science fair this year.. oh the joy. first to come up with something..then having an 11 yr oldwho would change his mind every week or so, then finally decide on battery length but buy LED flashlights (this was in early november…one bunch has been on since then and is still on..go LED) so have to buy new even cheaper flashlights with normal bulbs.. we did have some dozies in 4th and 5th grade too..
I HATE PROJECTS.
See, this is why nations like China are kicking the West’s ass academically. School doesn’t have to be FUN. There isn’t one doctor, or lawyer, or dentist or ______ that attributes their professional success to fun. They attribute it to work – hard, lots of it. I think this sort of Maypole hand-holding, Everyone’s A Winner, YOU’RE ALL BLESSED LITTLE FLOWERS bullshit is why we have so many teenagers in secondary school rolling their eyes during maths lessons and whining about how boring school is. They have no frame of reference for what’s expected of them in the real world! They spend primary school doing non-competitive sports days, cutting and pasting and doing pointless field trips. Seriously, when my son was in primary one they spent an ENTIRE AFTERNOON traipsing about the streets picking up litter. Unless I missed the memo, I had higher hopes for my son – dustman wasn’t on my list of career aspirations for him. Also? We pay handsome sums of council tax each month so the City of Glasgow can keep a semblance of cleanliness in this cesspool of a city. When I approached his teacher with arch queries about what, precisely, the children were meant to glean from this little experience she said “Civic responsibility.” Are you kidding me?!
Maybe I’m a hard ass, but even at a young age I want my children to understand the difference between work and play and that if they don’t want to end up in a shitty flat working a dead-end job, they better learn to love the former. Playtime and fun and CRAFTS are my domain, kthxbai.
Oh! One more thing! I have Holly’s recipe jumble in book form – three sections on a spiral binding. You randomly flip to decide your starter, main and dessert. You’re right, nothing new can br invented. Can’t be done.
Calf pain: maybe you turn one of your feet inwards while you run and that’s why your calf is sore?
Craft Projects: OMG the hell I have to look forward to…. hold me?
So it is actually a menu jumbler, no recipes involved?
This entry and these comments are making my day and reminding me of why I just couldn’t have been a parent. This shit wouldn’t fly with me at all.
The past five years or so, I’ve heard many parents bitch about their kid’s teacher handing out assignments intended to promote parent-and-child bonding time. As if it’s the teacher’s place to give lesson assignments to parents. Really, I can’t believe more parents don’t complain to the higher-ups because I damn well would.
I already did my time in the public school system. No way is some uppity, narcissistic teacher going to make me relive that crap. Sounds like this broad just doesn’t want to read a bunch of papers and thinks this crafty BS will be more entertaining.
My oldest is in 2nd grade, and this year his homework has changed from “independent reinforcement of school work” to “Parental Bonding Time, now with FEELINGS!” Each week, he writes me a letter and I have to write back. Each week, he needs to read to me and write a report and I also have to write a report of my observations of his reading. I have to sign a form each night that says he practiced his math facts with me.
I am in (silent) outrage over this! Like you said, clearly these teachers don’t have children. Over the summer, we had to pick one of his summer reading books and complete a diorama which he had to bring in on the first day of school. OUTRAGE!
And don’t even get me started on these 100 days of school projects all the kids have to do nowadays…
I almost didn’t graduate from high school because I refused to complete an assignment in my American Government class – create a mobile using current events. I came home from school to my mother cutting out pictures from Time Magazine and hanging them on a coat hanger with thread. I told her I was 18 and wasn’t doing craft projects anymore. She screamed at me that I was going to hand it in and shut up so I could get my diploma.
I’m being paid back in spades with my daughter now. Her eighth grade atom project nearly put me over the edge. $75 in supplies!! Then the teacher had the nerve to give her a B-. I was so pissed.
Oh! Tooting in an elevator is my #1 fear. I’m gassy by nature, but usually have pretty good control over these things. Then I went and got myself knocked up and now I get surprised! These things should not be a surprise! They should announce themselves several feet of intestine before arrival. Like polite British people. Nope. Now I take a deep breath, my sphincter flaps, and I DIE because COME ON! I’m peeing when I sneeze. That’s enough indignity for one pregnancy!
When I was in elementary school we had to do a similar project, except we didn’t have to invent, we had to… well, hell if I know, but I do know that I (my dad) ended up building a model of Niagara Falls, complete with straws to represent either pipes or tunnels or… I don’t even know.
Kids should definitely learn to write and research. I didn’t learn that in school, really, and didn’t really have any problems in college but a lot of my friends did. I guess I’m just good at being wordy.
My dad built a freaking RUBE GOLDBERG machine for me in tenth grade because I think balls can roll upward and get my fingers stuck together when I glue. I wish I could give him a hug from beyond the grave (or whatever it is when he’s dead and I’m alive, is that beyond the grave? Anyway) for coming home from work and doing that shit.
Once upon a time, I lived close to a ritzy upscale gated community. You know what I noticed? Those living there were snobs, never outside, never spoke if they saw you out…etc.
Nearby, there was a blue-collar neighborhood (for lack of a better term) and when I would ride my bike there, people outside would stop me and talk. I learned so much from those people.
Just sayin’
Ha ha! I love hearing about how parents hate the stupid shit that teachers do. Hey, guess what? Teachers hate the parents, too!! They assign those projects out of pure spite.
I have four word. Coffee can roald Dahl.
That was 5th grade. Middle school? Not any better. He had a fucking math art project this year.
Okay, my old roommate thought up an invention years ago that has never been done I don’t think so I’ll give it away (I’m too lazy to google it) .. you know how razors have a little cover on them? Attach a piece of velcro on the handle so you can easily remember where you put the little cover. She wanted to try to patent a razor with a built in plastic thingie to hold the cover but eh, never did as far as I know, but I still think this is a simple but kickass idea. You know how the cover always ends up falling on the floor of off the side of the tub or counter, etc.
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