Tanning my cheeks
January 20th, 2012You know what bugs me? Articles in the news media about how expensive coffee is and how much money consumers spend on coffee and always using a daily Starbucks run as something one could cut out to save money and comparing the price of various things to your daily cup of fancy coffee. Go fuck yourselves! COFFEE IS LIFE! By the way, if your budget is so precarious that $3.50 a day is going to make a world of difference, you’ve got bigger problems than a caffeine habit. God. Everyone wants to make life suck. I say have your damn coffee and ALSO buy insurance that costs the same as the coffee. GO NUTS.
So everyone’s bugging me to comment on the Dooce divorce. It kind of makes me ashamed of myself to think that due to my past criticism of her people are rubbing their hands together with glee waiting for me to gloat about her misfortune. Unless I’m mistaken, I don’t gloat when bad things happen to her. I criticize her for things she says in her blog and Twitter that make me mad. You guys have always misunderstood me on this point! But I am truly sorry when anyone gets a divorce. Well, unless they’re married to a terrible person, but actually there are plenty of people who truly mourn the loss of a marriage to a terrible person, so who am I to say.
But thank you for the writing prompt! I shall talk about dee-vorce!
I think divorce is pretty simple. You marry the wrong person. At least that was my mistake. I really like Mr. Friendly. If it weren’t weird, I’d hang out with him. But oh my god, we are not well-suited to spend any extended amount of time together. It is glaringly obvious now. He lives in a little house with loads of character. He smokes clove cigarettes and drinks retro cocktails. He travels in Europe and speaks Italian and boycotts Starbucks and shit. He shops at a Community Mercantile and decides to be a vegetarian every three years or so. He knows about artisan cheeses. I like him, but I make fun of him every time we have dinner because good god, seriously? Do you know every waiter in every restaurant in Lawrence? BY NAME?
Where it gets complicated is when people try to make it work with the wrong person or when only one of the partners thinks he or she married the wrong person. That’s the most unfortunate marriage equation of all. Either way it’s miserable to live your life once your marriage goes south and it only gets worse when people do ill-advised things like look around for the right person while still married to the wrong person.
And then there are kids. I remember when I was set on getting a divorce, this psychiatrist I went to see about my meds decided to get all talky with me and asked about my situation and I said I was getting a divorce. He asked why and I don’t know what I said but it wasn’t good enough for this guy. And I got kind of huffy and he calmly said, “It just seems to me that you need to think this through very carefully, especially since there’s a child involved.” He pissed me off at the time and obviously I didn’t rethink my divorce and I’ve been with Paco twice as long as I was married to The Friendly and I think things are going well. But I will say, as defeatist and icky as this is: divorce is never good for kids. They suffer. The parents suffer too. I will freely admit that my issues with Elliot, the reasons he tears my heart out, my paralyzing guilt are almost all because I divorced his dad and I had to see Elliot less and I feel like he was sad and injured and got the short end of the life stick and none of that may be true but it’s true TO ME so don’t be diminishing it in the comments.
Speaking of comments, I’ve decided I’m the only blogger in the world who loves comment advice. I appreciate it, even when folks out-and-out tell me I’m doing it wrong. I do think Holly is in too many activities and I used to criticize parents for that issue, but truly? It’s HER. She wants to do these things! She could quit any of them any time and she knows it. Oh sure, I could force her to quit something, but honestly, she’d just sit around at home staring at her iPhone and the television. I’ll be goddamned if I’m going to spend my evenings amusing her. And at least when she’s out at these activities she’s exercising. Today she was lying on my bed watching me pick out jewelry and she went to sit up and her (hold on I have to go Google this) deltoid muscle looked fantastic. Girls who do sports and dance are generally more successful in adolescence and don’t come out of their rooms with purplish black hair and safety pins in their cheeks on the first day of 8th grade. I apologize in advance to anyone reading who has a well adjusted kid with purplish black hair and a safety pin in his/her cheek.
As far as the sleep thing, I do appreciate all the advice. I don’t know about the sleeping on the floor of my room thing, though, because as my friend Michelle pointed out in a previous whine about it, if I let her sleep in my room, I better be prepared for that to go on for a while. At least if I go in her room, I can leave.
We do have plans to have a discussion with her about solutions. Pardon me if I don’t have high hopes.
Tomorrow I swear I will change the subject and I will write about we made arrangements to buy new carpet at substantial cost and how my cat sensed it and started spraying everywhere.
My running: I’m putting this at the end so those of you who don’t give a shit can move on.
So last night I ran Week 3 of the Couch To 5K. I was dreading this week because the drill is: five minute warm up walk, 90 second run, 90 second walk, three minute run, fall down and barf, hobble home in disgrace. A couple of days ago my unofficial running coach (okay, a guy in my office who runs and I’ve asked him two questions) told me to run slower (YESSSS) and it made a huge difference. I could do the 90 second run and actually felt like I could keep going even when the robot voice told me to slow to a brisk walk. But still, I couldn’t imagine running for three minutes straight. But I did it last night even though the second time toward the end of the three minutes I actually said out loud, “Really? Come on, it’s been like five minutes!” Another milestone: I did that thing where you blow snot out your nose. I really didn’t want to, but it was 19 degrees and I didn’t want to mess up my new mittens so I just looked around and then did it. It was totally gross and I immediately said, “JESUS I can’t believe I just did that.” Obviously I talk to myself when I runalk. I sing too, but only intermittently. I always, always sing “NO SHOES NO SHIRT BUT I STILL GET SERVICE WAAATCH!” during “Sexy and I Know it” and “I AM NICKI MINAJ I MACK THEM DUDES UP.” I know. I’m ridiculous. Anything to keep going though.
Thank you for addressing the Dooce divorce issue. I am not a fan and didn’t even know it was happening til I read it here, but I would never want somebody ridiculed in public for having to deal with such a painful and private issue. I know she shares her life on her blog so the privacy issue is in question, but still. We only know what she tells us and she might not be telling us how much pain she and her daughters are in. Let us not wish ill of others.
I have an 11 yo who still sneaks into our bed regularly and we are both too tired to wake up enough to make him leave. I keep thinking it has to end at puberty. Right? Right?
Love your blog.
~K!
Yeah, there’s a huge difference between 1) criticizing someone for stupid shit they do and 2) being happy that bad things are happening to someone.
Holly has an iPhone? Have you discussed this before?
I hate cats.
Maybe I will do this Couch to 5K thing when the temperature gets above mother effing zero here.
When I’m inclined to run/walk (I like your runalk) I also sing and sometimes if no one is around I’ll pump my fists too. So, you get no judgment from me…carry on!
I think Dooce’s blog reads like a pretentious pile of crap. But I’m certainly not about to start cackling like a harpie over her divorce. Logically, I know that behind the effete drainage that comprises her blog, there is a real person who, apparently, is separating from her husband. Been there, not fun. So yeah.
I’m the same as you in that my ex husband was so patently the WRONG person for me. Nice enough fellow I suppose, but as a couple we were catastrophic. He’s an economist. I’m a musician. You can infer the rest of the personality differences from those two things alone.
I’m pretty neutral in regards to Dooce, but regardless or how much you dislike someone, divorce sucks donkey balls for everyone involved. I wish both my husband AND his ex-wife didn’t have to go through divorce and the wounds that go along with it. I don’t especially like her a whole lot (we share custody) due to entirely different views, likes, etc., which I think lends weight to people divorce because you marry the wrong person (I’m going to be a pretentious @ss and assume my husband enjoys marriage to me more than her). I will say though, my mom had some pretty serious emotional/psychological junk that made her unhappy as a person, and then she was unhappy as a wife, and really messed things up. I don’t think my dad was wrong for her, per se, but she had to work through some stuff and once she was in the thick of it, well, she wanted not him.
I feel like EVERYONE IS GETTING DIVORCED, and there is a mistaken impression amongst my group of friends that I am somehow relieved to have more people in the club. No. It sucks to see people regret their own shit choices, and reminds me that I’ve got plenty of time to make EVEN MORE shit decisions in my own life. Bah.
But speaking of icky and defeatist, I will say that I would not hesitate to get divorced again, if I felt like it was the right thing. I’m glad as hell that I only stayed married to the wrong person for 5 years, and not, like, 25.
PS-IMO my ex wicked favors Ava over Joaquin (bonus wacky name reveal!), his kid who lives with him full time. Not sure if it’s a gender thing or a guilt thing, but I’m leaning towards guilt.
I love love LOVE your blog and you have the BEST commentary!!
Ok, so here’s one for the divorced and remarried crew: how in the sweet hell did you guys get the balls to do it again? I’m with the best man in the world, we have a baby, I love him, he loves me blah blah. But if he asked me to marry him I am pretty sure I would look like The Scream. Oh, and if I did say yes? It would be because I want to have a boss wedding, not so much for the more far-reaching reasons people do it. I SAID IT. My first wedding was a registry office, low-budge deal and fuck that. If I walk down an aisle again that isn’t in a grocery store, you better believe I’ll be swathed in yards of chantilly lace. Though not white, obv.
I can’t stand Dooce for a million reasons but I am sad for her because … Well she might be annoying but I still don’t want to hear about someone in pain.
And I know I said it before but Jane, this is my favorite blog. Why can’t there be more sensible bloggers like you? Why do all the other bloggers get all worked up in a lather about EVERY. GD. THING. My god, the energy that would take!
Re: running, I am so glad it’s going well! I was where you are now last summer and next week I’ll complete (hopefully!!) my first half marathon.
I’ve known so many couples who were perfectly wonderful people individually but were just not good together. Sad situation on all accounts. I do think you and Mr. Friendly are probably the exceptions to divorced people remaining friends. I sure don’t know anyone that has managed that, so it’s admirable that you two have.
I managed to survive a 3-year marriage to an abuser. Married at 18, divorced by 21, my life in danger the whole time. Wrong person, hell yeah. But I got out, thankfully with no kids to force us to have to have a relationship afterwards. Most days I forget that it ever happened because I’ve been married almost 40 years to the love of my life. But the ex just recently sent me a friends request on Facebook. WTF? Um, no. Divorce can be good. Sometimes.
I think kids should be as busy as they want to be. As long as they maintain their grades (which Holly obviously does) and don’t have emotional meltdowns, then they can handle it. There are so many choices and options and this is how they learn who they are and what they enjoy. There’s time to rule out the fun stuff when you get older and have to go to work…..ha.
Ok, I’m impressed with the snot thing, but I have heard/read HORROR stories from runners about how it loosens their bowels and, well we all know YOUR bowels are TRAINED so maybe this is a moot point, but apparently when a runner has to go, he/she has to GO THEN. Which is maybe why I joined a gym rather than run out in the real world. Available facilities. Not to mention blatant FEAR. Some of us New Yorkers never got over the Central Park Jogger, even though the chances of me EVER running in CP are nil. And that was what? thirty years ago? Wait … Ima google … 1989. 23 years.
When you sing I’m Sexy And I Know It, do you do the wiggle wiggle wiggle part? At the gym, I watch tv while I’m on whatever death squad cardio machine I’m using. And I try to watch something with out of shape (read: FAT) people. For inspiration.
Congrats on your runalk routine/progress. Back in my 40s, I loved running; it wasn’t just the exercise, I actually experienced that “runner’s high thingy.” And it was a nice alone time to reflect on various issues, as well as any writing project.
My knees eventually started causing problems, so I switched to biking. Did that most of my 50s. Now I’m 60, and just walk my two dogs all over the neighborhood or in parks every day, weather permitting. I enjoy the walking, talk with neighbors, see what’s up in the ‘hood, etc.
Hang in there with the runalk!
about the ‘loosens their bowels’ thing for runners… i have a friend that used to run a lot (she has ms now so that kind of ended her running career) and she told me stories of being out in the middle of a long run and going into the corn fields (minnesota) and taking a dump… i guess that might be one of the reasons the saying ‘shit happens’ came about..
Now I could really go for a retro cocktail and some artisan cheese. Not even sure what a retro cocktail is, unless it might be something they would drink on Mad Men, but I know I want one.
I don’t wish divorce on anyone either. The thing about dooce is the nauseating way she relates everything–the spooky way she told her readers about the separation is Exhibit A. (Dog leash???!)
Hey, guess what? I’m copying you!! I started the C25K thing a couple of weeks ago. I’m doing it with my teacher friends at school. But my knee hurts!! WTF! Oh yeah, I’m in my fifties GODDAMN IT.
Word, Jane. I have a big mouth and have complained vociferously about Dooce for years but I don’t feel anything but sadness about this. Divorce sucks and really do wish the best for all of the Armstrongs. Geez. I am feeling a little bit like Anne Frank here because you & I both know many people who are incredibly annoyed by Ms. A but nobody is happy about them getting a divorce for God’s sake.
I am still friends with three of my exes. We were in very serious relationships that lasted a number of years. (I was 33 when I got married). But we found out or decided in advance that we would drive each other crazy living together. End of story.
OK, what have I missed? She’s getting divorced? What? I read her blog sporadically and not carefully(she’s too full of herself for my liking) but it sounded like they were just separated. Feeling curious.
Ugh. I DO have a problem with people sinking great amount of change in a cuppa coffee cause really? That stuff can be made at home. My 14 year old twin daughters love a Latte or whatever at starbucks from time to time. $8 something for two cups of coffee? Really?
Dooce.. Feel sad about it personally. Any marriage with kids breaking up is sad. Hoping they pull through.
Carpet?? What happened to the hardwood? I was going to use you as part of my test case. I am stuck on all decisions floor related. I am beginning to think that keeping the current carpet and using the money that I would spend on new flooring to hire a maid to clean the old carpet is the way to go.
Maybe girls who do sports and dance turn out ok, but girls who do computer science and math turn out better.
Can I tell you what nobody told me when I started running and then I found out while in physical therapy for my first stress fracture? The tempo of your footballs is a big deal. To run forever, travel slowly, but move your legs quickly. Running with music is fun but if your cadence is too slow, it contributes to over-striding and bad form, which can damage your body.
On the other hand, running in time with music the right tempo is better than drugs! I’m a tempo whore – I’ll listen to anything between M.M. 178-184 because it’s like electricity for my motor. Send you a playlist if you email me.
Edited much later to say,
“The tempo of your footFALLS is a big deal.”
This WTF moment of the day brought to you by iPhone autocorrect.
I just put my male neutered cat on Prozac because he was spraying. He’s way more laid back when he takes it. Ask your vet. You have to go to a real pharmacy and have it compounded into a liquid, tuna or chicken flavor. Costs about $7 a month.
I tried the couch to 5K and my knees just can’t handle running. Pathetic but there it is. There is a guy that put a whole bunch of podcasts together and he has a human voice, adds music and so on…I really appreciated those podcasts because I can’t be bothered with timers and stop watches and so on. Now I’m aiming for 10,000 steps a day which is about 5 miles and I use a pedometer.
I only had one grossly uncharitable thought about the Dooce divorce and the way Heather’s blogged about it so far, and that is did she need a boost in hits and revenue on her web site? How long are these multi-million dollar mommy blogs sustainable if you don’t change ‘em up. (I know, I am going to hell.)
I think her husband’s blogging in a much more dignified manner, and she’s creating a lot of drama. But what the hell do I know and who am I to judge. It’s just…if I were a celebrity I wouldn’t be mentioning I’d considered hanging myself in the garage in public. I’d do that in a therapist’s office or on a crisis line. Because the Internet cannot help for that and the Internet is filled with trolls and drama queens weighing in and who the hell needs it? Unless it helps boost the bank account. So that’s my one uncharitable thought and I will probably go to hell for it.
Ha Jane – you did a farmer nose blow! Awesome!
Dooce is a celebrity? Seriously. That definition is getting pretty loose.
Who cares if she is getting a divorce. My neighbor 5 doors down got a divorce and I didn’t give a shit about her why would I give a shit about Dooce. It’s not that I think uncharitable thoughts — I don’t think any thoughts at all. It’s not my business but if she chooses to make a spectacle of her life then she deserves any uncharitable thought thrown at her by virtual strangers. She can whine it up over Martinis with Kate Gosselin.
Hardwood all the way.
We call those, snot rockets…
The second best decision of my entire life was refusing to ever have carpet in my home ever again. Don’t do it, Jane. Seriously, spend the latte money on decent flooring for your home.
BTW, we call Starbucks “Charbucks” around here because of its icky burned taste.
I suppose I’m the only person on the internet who is cynical enough to have thought “Publicity Stunt” when I heard of Dooce’s divorce? I’m a horrible person, apparently. Either way, it’s gonna be tough on her daughters, who are already under a microscope through no fault of their own.
devil, you are not the only person who thought that! It was my first thought too and I’m not even a huge hater where she’s concerned. Also “Charbucks” SO true.
re: Dooce celebrity, I’ve seen articles about her in the UK Telegraph, and her separation was on TV and newspapers. But my benchmark is “does my 80 year old mom know who she is?” and that would be a no.
Well I have cackled a little I admit. If she were just famous and arrogant and annoying, I could feel for her, but she has done mean things to other people and has used her position to get others to do mean things for her. So I don’t mind if she suffers a wee bit. I feel for her daughters and perhaps her husband as well.
I take extreme umbrage at this characterization of me! I. Do. Not. Smoke! But yeah, otherwise, pretty true. Including the part about being friendly and friends. We are. And we are.